What is PIR?
The acronym stands for Psychedelics In Recovery. Through a very twisty turning route I found myself just 3 weeks ago at my first PIR meeting in San Diego. Nervous, anxious, excited, and all kinds of confused I walked into a back room at a local coffee shop and saw a room of people gathering just like the AA meetings I’ve attended daily the last 9 months. Something was different. This was a 12 step program for individuals incorporating the medicinal and ceremonial use of psychedelics as a path for recovery and spiritual growth.
One of the members walked around the room shaking everyone’s hand and bowing to each one with their hands clasped together in prayer. The lead spoke deeply about her spirituality and the role it plays in her life and her recovery. It was unlike the leads I have heard in AA over the last nine months. Not better, not worse, just different and I found that it really appealed to me. Psychedelics were discussed but less as a focal point and more-so as an ingredient in each sharers journey towards healing, self realization, and recovery.
I had already gone down the same path as those that were in the room but on my own following heavily researched practices, safety precautions, and proper support. This, I struggled hard with as it went against everything I was learning in my AA fellowship and would absolutely be frowned upon.
Did I Just Find A Loophole with PIR?
Taking a second to address the elephant in the room. My initial impression of PIR was that it was an amazingly warm and caring environment. I felt so welcomed and open to just be my authentic self it really sucked me in. The thought quickly entered my head as to whether I had unknowingly worked myself into a loop hole where I could condone certain drugs and not others. If you are questioning the same thing, even the slightest bit, I highly encourage you to really sit with that and think about it.
I went through weeks of thoughtful introspection on why these were so attractive to me. Is there an element of escape to these drugs? Sure, you are literally leaving the reality you know. This is just me, but I don’t identify with the word “escape” the same with psychedelics as I did with alcohol (or any other drug for that matter). I didn’t escape anything, in fact, I was forced to look at myself…a real deep look. My experiences showed me the real me, the real reasons I abused other drugs, and beyond that a deep introspection on my behavior, my treatment of others, and really, what I was put on this earth to do. I don’t call that escape, I call that self discovery and spiritual growth. These experiences are not to be taken lightly and while they can be incredible, they can take a lot out of you. But I digress…
Back To The Meeting
As sharing began everyone spoke of their own spiritual path. Some mentioned recent use of Psychedelics and their integration but the majority of the shares were specific to their spiritual growth. The difference I saw from my daily AA meetings was that these individuals had already grappled with their spirituality, belief in a higher power, and have clearly found a path forward on their journey. It was a collective understanding that each of us are on our own path and spirituality is highly individualized. I got the distinct impression PIR was not the first recovery group for most participants but it offered something different for those who still wanted recovery and didn’t find it in other fellowships. Many who spoke were members of multiple fellowships. Which I can get behind.
As with AA, I was warmly welcomed to the group and everyone was inviting. It felt like home. As the meeting closed there was mention of last minute signups for a retreat in Jullian and as with everything else thus far on my spiritual journey I decided to immerse myself in something else that made me uncomfortable. Every time I’ve done that since getting sober from alcohol has proved positive in my personal & spiritual growth.
As I drove home that night I was filled with promise that this group saw psychedelics much the way I did, as a medicine to be held with the highest respect and used responsibly in the care of a trained sitters with all of the rituals, set, settings beforehand and proper integration to make sense and garner the most out of the intelligence inherent within these plants.
A relative new group. This was a safe place where I could actually ask the hard hitting questions I had about how I could see this as legit and know I wasn’t just finding that loophole. After all, I drank for 20 years using every loop hole and lie I could tell myself so I didn’t have to give up this gigantic crutch I had become accustomed to as just part of who I was. There was no push back on these questions, no immediate defense system built up, and in fact, one nugget of wisdom was bestowed upon me which made me rethink my preconceived notions. One of the members told me, “We are all responsible for the work. None of the gifts of any 12 step program are truly bestowed upon the members that just go with the flow. If you don’t put in the work, it’s not going to work. You can take all the psychedelics you want and go to all over the universe but if you’re not integrating and taking the insights into your life then in the end you’re just finding another escape.”
Ah, The Predicaments
Now that I’ve validated my own concerns over the group I felt comfortable to lean in and learn more. I am already signed up for the retreat so, that’s happening, I took my own pressures off of what I was doing and just decided to continue exploring. My predicament over the whole thing was obvious.
Alcoholics Anonymous very much saved my life. Literally, saved my life. I love it, I love the people in there, and I’ve been able to understand human beings at a level I’ve never even tried to previously. The problem is that PIR and AA do not mix. I can be members of both, sure, but there are just some things I won’t ever be able to reveal in AA that I can in PIR and my predicament is with a need to be brutally honest in all my affairs and this felt as if I was lying or withholding. Basically, I know the community of AA will not accept this.
I decided the right thing to do was to speak with my sponsor and be straight up honest with him and take whatever consequences that came as a result. My intention was not to ask forgiveness but to keep my conscience clear and keep dialogue open with him but to explain to him that I do not see this as wrong and I want to change direction in life towards helping to heal others the same as it had for me. I told him I don’t know what I’m going to do but I know it involves becoming a part of this new community and seeing how I can ultimately take my life and career in a new direction.
His reaction was not at all what I expected. He gave me the freedom to explore, he agreed my use was not abusive but also warned of the slippery slope I was embarking on. Basically, validating my own fears of the same. I felt, after leaving dinner, that he was supportive of me exploring this new space but to continue to have open dialogue with him and I was OK with that.
He did warn me of one important aspect that I really had to sit back and think about…hence my predicament. There will be a day, he said, where I will need to choose between one or the other. Not that one is better than the other and while on parallel paths they did not have a bridge. At a certain point, taking on sponsee’s would be impossible as I’m unable to be completely truthful with them. The predicament is still there and today I am OK with having it. It doesn’t need to be decided now and I am free to explore both paths.
The hard truth is that my eyes have been opened to something so much bigger than me, this world, the illusion of separateness we all take for fact. It’s changed my perspective on everything and it’s changing me to a patient, compassionate, open minded human being.
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