My first trip back for a big holiday with the family was filled with anxiety and a constant concern over how best to act. I am a 5 hour flight from them and so there are large gaps of time between family gatherings and outside of occasional phone calls the progress and changes not just in my life but in my thinking aren’t apparent to my immediate family. So, showing up all reformed may come off as showy and coming back with little changed in my demeanor or how I act would beg the question, “what is he doing?”. This is the kind of things that go through my head.
I made the mistake of thinking there’d be a ticker tape parade the first time I came back this summer and that was a huge disappointment that actually regressed some of the progress I had made to date. Giving up alcohol was relatively easy, starting to work on myself for the first time in my life was actually exciting, figuring out how I now fit in my family system was brutal. My brother’s, dad, and I bond over drinking. My mom, in some ways connected with us by hating the fact we all drank. I guess it gives her something to focus on. I thought for sure coming home clear headed and no alcohol would have made her the happiest mother on earth but that is not what seems to have happened. She actually seemed as if I had over corrected (or that’s how I interpreted it anyways).
It was a great first trip but I have to admit I left feeling like an outsider and disconnected from the group. It bothered me so significantly it was an intention of one of my three psilocybin guided journeys I did early on in recovery. To be brief, what I realized through that journey was that while I expected much of the vacation to be about me, it wasn’t. We had new babies, new engagements, and other major family life events all happening at the same time and while I expected the ticker tape parade I realized, I was just normal now. I didn’t need to be the focus and that was a good thing.
While I still believe it’s easy to know something inherently but you can’t just change how you’re wired over night. Even with a psychedelic experience you can loosen the grip you have on your attachments but it’s the hard work that follows over a long period of time that really makes the changes. The medicine just allows the door to crack just wide enough that you can see the other side is worth walking through.
Thanksgiving Holiday 2021
So, naturally, after having a strong 10 months under my belt and past experiences at home I wanted to prepare. It sounds silly and something most would say, “just handle it like an adult”, but it’s not that easy. I have plenty of character defects and old models built in my head that don’t just magically change because I want them to.
I spoke with both my sponsor and my coach (who is intimately aware of my background) to go over my plan. I’m on day 5 of the trip and I can honestly say that the preparation has helped immensely in seeing scenarios before they happened and a game plan on how to handle them. Did those same feelings crop up? You bet you’re ass they did but they were less sticky than the last time was home. The first couple of days were great, I stuck to the plan and was able to navigate any negative thoughts I was having about one thing or the other.
Naturally as the days went on my defenses weakened and I could feel myself getting more and more irritated by things that happened or were said but more importantly, what they didn’t do. That’s my attachments creeping back in. I kept the game plan printed and close by me and would read it occasionally throughout the day. It helped to have the pre-vacation game plan (when my head was clear and thinking rationally) assist my current state that wanted to act out or regress to old behaviors and patterns.
The Game Plan
Nothing scientific here and I just sort of made it up but I’ll share my formula and some of the items I personally had on there for anyone would like to copy it for themselves.
I broke it up into 3 parts:
- Things to try and do everyday
- Noting what didn’t get done and have zero feelings of “less than” about it.
- Don’t react when triggered if
- Things I know will happen and an awareness for those things so to stop any gut reactions I may have.
- Things to remember
- Steps I’ve already taken and strengths I now have to remind myself what I need and what I can let go.
This was not an all inclusive list and I have failed on several attempts thus far but the mere awareness of it all helped prepare and move on without self judgement or persecution. The items were simple and may look like small potatoes but these are the things that can get in my head, burrow a hole, and root around for days, weeks, and months. It’s 40 years of thinking that I can’t just change but I can be aware, not beat myself up if I fail, and wake up every morning happier than the day before it. Grateful for life.
The List:
Things to do everyday:
- Read for enjoyment
- Read out of the 12 and 12
- Do a 4th and 10th step if needed and do it immediately
- Meditate
- Stretch
- Tell a family member I love them
- Hug a family member
- Write in my journal
- Attend a zoom AA meeting
- Call my sponsor (as needed)
Don’t react when triggered if:
- My mom doesn’t show interest or ask me about my life
- Siblings get more of the attention over life events
- Someone tells an off putting joke I disagree with
- My brother dominates the conversations
- Anyone makes sweeping political statements
- Someone makes a negative comment about my tattoos
- No one mentions my tattoos
- I get made fun of for my diet
- My mom actually grows concerned about my new lifestyle and changes I’ve made as they are not in line with who she thinks I am (crazy right, but this shit actually happens)
Things to remember:
- It’s Thanksgiving, focus on everything I am and should be thankful for. I have a great life and should not focus on the negatives
- I don’t need my parents approval
- I do not need to share everything I’m doing to prove how well I’m doing. Just being me will suffice
- Arguing a point is an attachment of mine
- My recovery and program have put me in a place where I am proud of who I am and do not need to justify it to anyone
- You have a girlfriend that’s the most supportive person in the world and she loves you
- My way is not the best way
- You will not change anyone’s mind that doesn’t want it changed
- Have fun and focus on enjoying and loving your family
- Ask questions, find out how everyone else is doing, give your interest to them instead of focusing it back on yourself
- When you feel the urge to one up, contradict, or explain your point…don’t.
- None of them know anything about AA or recovery from addiction and you will not be able to educate them in a week’s time
- People are who they are and that’s their problem. When you get upset, you make it your problem.
I hope this helps in some small way. It’s been a great exercise for me and I look forward to coming home again for New Years when I’ve had even more experience under my belt.
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