I recently dislocated my shoulder at the gym. It was pretty horrific. I have had a bad shoulder since I was 18 and dislocations were just something I got used to. Unbelievably painful while out but never stayed out for more than a minute at a time. Not too long. This time was different. I was stuck with my hands clasped on the high rings and my feet tippy toe on a box. I was in a pickle. It was a really precarious angle which made relocating my shoulder was especially difficult. I couldn’t move and if I were to let go I would have fallen to the ground.
While the entire gym huddled around me to help it still took close to 10 minutes for the shoulder to go back into place. So, there was a lot of time to think.
Two Voices Simultaneously
As I’ve reflected on the incident and watched the security video of it I realized there were two distinct voices in my head. One was immediately focused on the pain and directing the class on what I needed in order to put the shoulder back in. This voice was driven solely by pain. It did not care about people’s feelings, it did not care about who was around, it didn’t care who was touching me. Its only focus was on alleviating pain. I was direct, I was succinct, I did not mince words. I yelled and shouted orders hoping one of the people around would find the solution I needed.
The second voice was just observing the scene. It wasn’t concerned with my pain, it wasn’t concerned with the panic in people’s faces. It didn’t seem to be in any pain at all. It was just simply observing. For example, I had tasked a woman with putting her fist into my armpit to act as the fulcrum while I directed another man to pull my arm down over it. This usually works. While all that directing was going on there was this awareness just observing the event. I took note of the woman’s shirt, looked at the weird pattern, wondered why she decided to wear that today.
Now, why in the hell, would I have curious thoughts that had nothing to do, completely separate from, and in no way helping this traumatic experience I was going through?
Another example, while the panic of everything was going on and all my mental resources were fixed on solving the pain at hand. Another conscious voice was more or less just narrating the scene. Oh, look at what you’ve done. You’re in a pickle now. What an event that’s happening. Look at all these people helping. Wonder what you’ll have for lunch today? Random shit like that.
What’s Up With This Unconcerned Yet Aware Part Of Me?
I started to just start day dreaming about this idea that maybe while the Ego was so hyper focused on solving the source of my pain, my conscious awareness was just continuing to do it’s thing – No real concern for whether this was good or bad, just that it is. It’s happening, just like waking up happens, just like brushing my teeth happens, just like birds flying happens. A pure entity of thought not pushed by positives or negatives, just simply being.
This whole thing occurred to me while hanging with friends this weekend in Palm Springs and started to simply play with the idea. It was a very real experience of thoughts separate from my ego happening simultaneously at the same time.
Am I Full Of Shit?
It’s very possible, but then again, most of this is individual. Meditation, yoga, spiritual practices. We’re all given a map of the territory but it’s up to us to create directions that lead us to peace and serenity. It’s our unique map leading us to the place of healing and serenity. So, much of this is how I interpret the teachings and readings I come across on my own spiritual path.
Incidents like last week have me drawing conclusions or gaining insights from things I would have never considered. I am making connections to my own spirituality and the connection I have with God, people, the world, and my own perspective on how it all works.
Just sitting and freeform writing this experience feels spiritual. I feel connected. While I haven’t seen a way to fully prove this scientifically it does not mean it’s not there. The longer I explore and open my mind to newer perspectives I’m very quickly realizing that this world we think we have so defined, measured, and understood has more mystery and mysticism than ever before.
We are just scratching the surface of what’s inside and I love finding little areas of life where I see divinity poke through to me and I make that connection.
So, am I full of shit? Sure, most definitely, but I’m seeing paths to overcome my own struggles, I’m learning to treat others better, I’m learning to make sense of and deal with my emotions and it’s all by living with faith in an eternal source that while I can’t explain it, I know is there, loving, and available to us all.
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